How to Manipulate People (part 2)
In the first part of this article, I explained that our bodies can be in a psychological and physiological state of emergency when — and as long as — our subconscious constantly finds danger (in our interpersonal relationships) around us. Manipulative people use you for their own well-being and they use you as far as you go along with it. With this article, I will show you how to recognize these sources of danger and how to put to a stop to all of it.
For this reason, I have drafted answers that you can use to get out of these types of manipulation right below each paragraph in italics. You wanted to know how to manipulate people? Here you go:
1. Silent treatment as the get-away-with-anything-treatment
Giving a person the silent treatment is the oldest trick used in the books. Please don’t confuse this with “me-time” or time to reflect after a fight, it is also not telling a person that deeply hurt you that you no longer wish to speak to them. No, a master of manipulation uses silence and ignoring people to punish them.
When a person we love stops talking to us, we doubt ourselves, which will, eventually, lead us to doing exactly what they wanted us to do in the first place.
Let’s say you just got home from work after a very exhausting day and saw your girlfriend Maria’s dishes all over the kitchen. You felt very uncomfortable but came up with the courage to confront Maria with it. Instead of having a nice dinner together, the discussion ended with her turning up the music in her room, ignoring you.
You can rise above from this situation by naming it. Text her: “I realize that you are not responding to anything I say. I’m feeling hurt and sad about that, and I would like to find a solution for all of this.”
2. Changing the subject to redirect problems
We all know this one way too well. Changing the subject means changing the hierarchy in the argument brought forward. When you have just expressed your discomfort with someone else’s behavior, — instead of confronting this discomfort and working on it — a manipulative person will throw back something totally else at you to make you feel like they are the ones’ that need to be comforted. They don’t want to confront your discomfort because they are not willing to change, to adapt, to put in the effort - knowing that you are going to give in anyway.
Let’s take a step back in the example with Maria and the dishes. You confronted Maria with her lack of commitment in your mutual household because she didn’t wash the dishes once again. But somehow you ended up talking about you “spending too much time at work lately”. It’s a nasty trap, because — surprise, surprise! — it will make you feel bad about yourself again. So bad that you are going to do the dishes. And you are also going to apologize. And sometimes, you are even going to bake Maria a freaking cake to make her feel better about — erm... what exactly?
To skip the guilt-baking, bring the focus back in. “Maria, I am sorry that you brought this up. If you want to, we can talk about work while I cook dinner for us and have a glass of wine later. But let’s take a step back and talk through the dish problem that I brought up; do you think we can find a solution together?”
3. Talking about insecurities to make you even more insecure
Something really dark that people might use to manipulate you is using an insecurity of yours to turn you over. Have you ever tried out something new, like a new gym or a new wardrobe and you were crazy excited about it? A manipulative person will use your insecurity that led to that change, whether it is your body weight, your social anxiety, maybe your fear of losing people because your last girlfriend cheated on you with a boy that was half your IQ and Maria would pick it up and say something like:
“I don’t know why we are even discussing this. I love you. No one else could ever possibly love you as much as I do.” While this sentence might actually sound cute at first, it could also be a dangerous trap. This sentence might make you believe that you can’t score better than the abusive kind of “love” it implies. The kind of love that implies that you are not worthy of love from someone else. Throwing around sentences like that, is a conscious game with your fears and insecurities.
Your reaction really depends on the stage of your relationship When someone throws an insecurity at you, it is very likely that they are doing it because they are covering up their own insecurities. They want to let you feel, what they feel. They want to let You go through what they are going through. Terrifying, right? Instead of feeling guilty or bad about yourself, pep-talk yourself out of the situation/relationship. Express your own value to the person in front of you and distance yourself. Anyone deserves unconditional love, so do you.
“Actually, I know someone who loves me more than anyone — including you. I am capable of loving myself and I am worthy of receiving love — without any strings attached to it.”
4. Copy and paste behavior
Another mean girls’ trick is copying behavioral patterns. We all know the so called “mirroring”. In behavioral psychology mirroring is used to symbolize your sympathy towards a person: if you like a person, you are very likely to unconsciously copy their gestures or mimic and they are very likely to copy yours. It’s also a well-known marketing technique. While most of us believe that model- and product diversity are the results of our globalized society, they are also a very interesting way of manipulating us into believing we need any of the things that are being forced on our displays day after day. If you see something new on someone who looks more like you, you are way more likely to purchase what is being presented to you because you see a bit of yourself in the person in front of you.
A manipulative person could use your own way of talking, certain phrases for example, or certain movements you make, even the way you dress, to make you believe that they are on your side of the table.
Here is the crazy thing about mirroring: If you overdo it, people will notice it and feel mocked by it! I am not an eye-for-an-eye-and-a-tooth-for-a-tooth-kinda person,but you should definitely try to break this particular kind of pattern by politely showing the person in front of you that you do see what they are doing. If you notice that they are mirroring you, change your posture or gestures a little bit more often than you usually do and just listen to them. You will be amazed by how they look at you once they’ve realized that you know exactly what they’ve been trying to do.
5. Gaslighting by dimming your lights
Leading someone to doubt their own understanding of their reality is called gaslighting. It’s a very advanced — if I can say it like that — form of a lie, a form of psychological violence that is incredibly difficult to see (hence the name). Let’s say our friend Maria invited some friends over. When talking about your last vacation together, she mentions an evening you don’t remember like her story at all. As soon as you are trying to jump in with a more accurate memory of yours, she undermines your ability to remember things correctly by saying something like “I don’t get it, I mean, you were there, how could you not remember what we did that night honey?”
See, what she did there? She used guilt to spin your own memory into the direction she wanted to head to. As your gut might have told you already, keep calm and stand firm in your truth. Don’t make a big deal out of, keep the conversation simple and be willing to leave the conversation. Don’t bring up any pictures from that night, don’t ask friends that were with you, don’t worry about trying to “outsmart” the gaslighter: they already know that their version of the story is not a correct recollection of what really happened. You outsmart them by being the bigger person.
The Moral of the Story
These are just a few examples of toxic patterns. It actually took me two months to cut the list down to the most essential — and what I think — trickiest ways for people to get under your skin.
It takes most people months — if not years — to break out of unhealthy relationships because it is incredibly hurtful to process that the person we fell for, or maybe our favorite co-worker or our friend, we loved more than anything, is not actually that healthy for us.
Our biggest daemons aren’t hiding under our beds, sometimes, they are just right in front of us. Be brave, and make sure you call them by their names when they want to take over again.
When you are not sure, whether you are being played with, here is a very helpful advice I received from a dear friend of mine that I would like to give you. When your gut tells you that something feels weird in a situation, ask yourself these three questions before you act:
- Do I really want this?
- Do I really WANT this?
- Do I really want THIS?
If you answer any of these questions with a NO - and now trust me with this — take a step back from the situation. Take a break. It doesn’t need to be a long break. Just distance yourself from the situation by saying: “Sorry, I need to think about it very quickly!” And leave the room immediately. Reflect on how you feel, identify why this made you uncomfortable and make sure to treat yourself right.
Who are the people you surround yourself with truly? Are they giving you peace when you leave their homes, or will you spend your evening on your yoga mat?
